I’ve just completed another chapter of Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky about the different kinds of trauma exposure response.
In reflection, I am most often triggered in moments where I judge I have not achieved a personal expectation. Often, shame is the most arresting of emotions in response to this realization, that I have failed to best some unreachable bar. Frequently, I am sent through time to revisit every shame I’ve ever felt in succession after it. Some days, I can snap out of it. Others, I cannot and do not. Sometimes for hours. Rarely, for days. Once or twice, for weeks.
With respect to sympathetic nervous modes (i.e., fight, flight, freeze, or freak), I usually fall with the freezers, although I am historically a flighty flyer. I’ve fought on occasion too but I’m so emotional that I usually get bogged down quickly with my own shame and guilt that I quickly tap out of any verbal arguments. Physical fights? Not a chance in hell. Unless, I was actually threatened with my life. I often envision myself as I fighter, ferocious and deadly but the only thing I get ferocious about these days is breathwork.